Flags of Our Fathers

Flags of Our Fathers **

2005
(Ring ring. Ring ring)

Agent: Hello?

Clint Eastwood: Hey. It's Clint.

Agent: Ah, Clint. Long time no hear. How have you been, Mr. Oscar Winner?

Clint Eastwood: (Chuckling) Ho, you're funny.

Agent: Any projects you've been doing lately?

Clint Eastwood: Well, that's why I'm calling you. I've heard that Martin Scorsese has a new movie coming out at the end of the year.

Agent: Oh yes yes. I forget the name. Some crime flick. Depart, or something like that. . .

Clint Eastwood: Anyway, in my quest to try and block him from ever winning an award, I've decided that I also want to make a new movie.

Agent: What a fantastic idea, Clint! What kind of film did you have in mind?

Clint Eastwood: I was thinking a war flick. After all, what kind of movie is the prime ticket for winning an award!

Agent: Perfect. Which war?

Clint Eastwood: I was thinking World War II. Maybe that who Iwo Jima. After all, we want to give off a strong patriotic theme. Marty Scorsese may be a better storytelling, but we want to hit those voters right in the heart. We can do an entire film about the battle that led to that famous picture on Iwo Jima, and then also tell the story of the soldiers that went back to claim that they were in it.

Agent: You could even do the music, and pretty much copy from your work in "Mystic River," and "Million Dollar Baby."

Clint Eastwood: I was even thinking about getting some unknown actors. Maybe spice things up a little bit.

Agent: Nah. I have a better idea. We cast actors that nobody likes or even thinks about, but are still there, always looking for work.

Clint Eastwood: Hm. . . interesting idea. Like who?

Agent: Maybe Ryan Philippe.

Clint Eastwood: Who?

Agent: You know. That guy that married Reese Witherspoon.

Clint Eastwood: Ah. Yes I know who you mean. He was in "Crash," I think.

Agent: Yes he was. Oh! Clint! I just thought a great idea. Speaking of "Crash," why don't we get Paul Haggis to write it. He seems to know a great deal about winning awards, eh?

Clint Eastwood: That's true. After all, we don't really want to put any effort into this piece at all. We just want to block that award from Marty.

Agent: Exactly. Oh! I just thought of another actor we can use. Jesse Bradford! He did. . . well. . . he was in that one picture. . . eh I don't know. I heard his name in a magazine once.

Clint Eastwood: Eh, I'll give him a call anyway. How else can we tug at the heartstrings of the voters?

Agent: Well, simple. We can just go for the obvious targets.

Clint Eastwood: How about. . . one of the war vets in the future is dying, and his son. . . who could be a journalist of some kind. . .he could try and figure out his fathers past. Kind of like a. . . father and son relationship subplot. We can even end the movie with a scene like this, one those comes out of no where, but leaves a strong impression in the minds of the voters.

Agent: Fantastic! Father/son relationship win awards!

Clint Eastwood: And we obviously have to hire Tom Stern to do the cinematography. He knows how to make a film look good. And after I'm done directing this, the visuals will be the only thing that this has going for it, quality wise. But as long as it wins. . .

Agent: What should the moral of the story? Do we want to be patriotic, or do we want to show conflicting views of America? After all, that picture was exploited as a way to sell war bonds. That doesn't sound very patriotic to me.

Clint Eastwood: Well. . . we could show both ways. We can confuse the viewer, and then pretend that we want them to think, when in fact we really have no idea what the hell we're talking about because this script is going to be written in a week.

Agent: I have a great idea for an ending too!

Clint Eastwood: Let's here it. Don't keep this from me. I have to give Haggis some ideas.

Agent: What we can do is. . .end the film with the soldiers before any big battles, and they could all go swimming in the ocean.

Clint Eastwood: As a symbol for their hopeful rebirth, when we in fact know how everything will turn out!

Agent: Exactly! Give the audience a sad and somber reaction after they will hopefully be moved and stunned.

Clint Eastwood: Of course they will be moved and stunned, especially with my regular slow and soft piano music.

Agent: And it must be long. Overlong even. We can't make a ninety minute war epic, after all.

Clint Eastwood: Of course not! At least forty five minutes of filler material.

Agent: I came up with another actor to sign. Adam Beach.

Clint Eastwood: I don't know these young names. Just tell me if I should call.

Agent: Of course. He is a Native American, which could really drive a subplot about race home.

Clint Eastwood: You're always thinking, aren't you.

Agent: Clint?

Clint Eastwood: Yeah?

Agent: I have a great idea now. Go with me on this. Why only have the power to win one award, when you can win two?

Clint Eastwood: Two? Get nominated for two movies, while Marty only gets one?

Agent: Of course. Make a double feature. A companion piece to this. It could be told from the opposite point of view. It'll be your greatest achievement. . .

Clint Eastwood: My. . .my. . . my greatest achievement. . . .? My. . .masterpiece. . .

Agent: Yes, Clint! And it'll be about the Japanese.

Clint Eastwood: And I can release it two months apart, so that it will most definitely be in consideration for awards. And then I can have the best of both worlds.

Agent: Clint, you'll have a busy year ahead of you. What should we call this project?

Clint Eastwood: I don't know. Something related to America, but it has to sound like I put no effort at all into it.

Agent: Hmmm . . . .

Clint Eastwood: How about "Flags of Our Fathers?'" YES! That is perfect. The voters love it when we talk about fathers, especially when fathers starts with a capital F.

Agent: History will be made, Clint. . .

Clint Eastwood: And Marty will loose again, because those voters will give me an Oscar if I showed them a film about a cat sleeping for three hours.

Agent: Well, I am going to call Paul, and see if he's interested.

Clint Eastwood: He will be. He's as award hungry as I am. . .

Agent: Goodbye Clint. I'll get back to you.

Clint Eastwood: Goodnight, agent. . .