Primeval

Primeval *

"Primeval" is a complete failure while it tries to do the two things that it wants to be. It fails to be a good monster movie because the monster is only in it for about ten minutes, and then it fails to be a movie with a good political message because it has this stupid monster in it for ten of it's minutes. "Primeval" is the love child of what would have been if "Hotel Rwanda" and "Snakes on a Plane" mated, and it is a foul conception. We get a horror film that isn't even scary, taking itself way to seriously, and then trying to deliver some kind of message about the state of the world in Africa. And it has some truly laughable scenes, and lines of dialogue that'll make you bursting out in tears. . . especially if you paid ten dollars to hear it. This was supposed to come out in April or May, but then a few days before its release date it was pushed up to last weekend, but a studio(Hollywood Pictures) that before 2006 hadn't had a film come out in five years. It had barely any television ads, and features of cast of all unknowns(except perhaps Orlando Jones, but then again he is pretty unknown as well). I'm surprised that Hollywood Pictures didn't just cut their loses and burn all the existing prints. They might as well have.

"Primeval" boasts that it is about the biggest serial killer in the history of the world-but it's not a man, it's a. . . . . . killer crocodile! (Gasp!) And a group of people(guy, girl, black man who complains about the fact that he is the only black person in the crew, the usual crew) all band together to take a journey to Africa to catch this killer croc known as Gustave. The three people are Tim, an anchorman who screwed up on a story a few days earlier, Steven his cameraman, and newcomer Aviva who may or may not be sleeping with the boss in order to get this job. She better be if you knew where the job was. War torn Africa is their place of business, and the three of them meet up with Matthew, who claims that he has the necessary tools to capture the croc alive. However there is a problem, especially when Steven ends up capturing on film a slaughter of a shaman and his family by the Hutu rebels. The Hutu's find out that these deaths are on film, and make the American reporters their next targets. With the Americans trying to survive from the rebels, they also have to deal with this giant killer crocodile that will literally eat you in seconds, and doesn't even mind chasing you down a vast empty field. Even the Crocodile Hunter might not have made it out of this one, but he might have not even made it through this movie.

Sadly, the crocodile is hardly in the film, and when he is he looks like he was created off of a laptop computer. Even the normal crocs that were by the rivers looked to be the work of a CGI, and with an unknown production company backing this it becomes clear why. This is the problem with "Primeval." When you make a film about a killer monster, it is important to actually feature the monster for a certain portion of the film. Half of the time they were running away from the Hutu rebels, slowing everything down to the max, and when they even slammed a political message in your face I was completely shaking my head. The message was that the croc had a taste for human flesh with the civil war dumping millions of bodies in the rivers, and without the war things might be different. This is taking itself way to seriously for a little B monster movie that cost little to nothing to make, and will get little to nothing of that cost back.

The script is filled with those little one liners that think they are clever but don't come close, and there are enough jokes about Steven being the only black man that even a stereotype isn't the right word. Steven wears a jersey that says "Harlem" for half the movie, says that slavery was a good thing because it got people out of Africa, and complains when Aviva sings "Amazing Grace." He says, "Don't sing a negro spiritual in Africa." I guess that was supposed to be funny, but the other three people in the theatre didn't think so either. Some other classic lines were "The car can't be stuck, it's a goddamn Range Rover." I can say this is easily the worst Range Rover commercial that I have ever seen. "Primeval" shouldn't have been pushed up to January 12th, it should have been pushed up to a time way before that, and announced after its release so that nobody would have to sit through this painful film that has the audacity to call itself a monster movie. Maybe if it were a true B monster movie, bad special effects and all, I could have found some entertainment. I could have chuckled at the blood splattering on the cameras, but instead I just groaned. Instead it is splattered with unnecessary political commentaries, and a monster that comes in halfway through, leaves for thirty minutes, and then makes a short appearance at the end. And there is a lot that you could do with a killer crocodile. Hell, if you could make a whole movie about snakes on a plane, there is enough to do a croc in Africa.