Transformers

Transformers *1/2

Directed by Michael Bay
Written by Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman

Starring:
Shia LaBeouf as Sam Witwicky
Megan Fox as Mikaela Banes
Jon Voight as Defense Secretary John Keller
John Turturro as Agent Simmons
Peter Cullen as Optimus Prime (voice)
Hugo Weaving as Megatron (voice)
Tyrese Gibson as Sergeant Epps
Josh Duhamel as Sergeant Lennox
Rachael Taylor as Maggie Madsen
Anthony Anderson as Glen Whitman

144 Minutes(Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi action violence, brief sexual humor, and language).
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"Transformers" is an insult to summer movies, but what else could we expect from the master of disaster-Michael Bay. Bay is a legend at making bad action movies. Not only are they action movies, either, but they are big big big budget action pictures, usually involving an A-list star or two, and constant explosions-often paying tribute to the jarring camera motion that makes you want to have a seizure just to escape from the awful images on the screen. And in a summer where Shrek is just as boring as he ever was, and the pirates failed on making fun, and where the Fantastic Four were campy and corny, "Transformers" was the last real chance to make a fun fantasy tail this summer. And it ended up being a loud and clunky mess, and I will be in the minority when I say that "Spider-Man 3" is still the victor of fantasy-and "Die Hard" being the victor of action.

On the heels of his intelligent and thrilling "The Island," which is right now his best film ever, Bay has taken the classic Transformer toys from Hasbro and made them into on-screen hero's and villains. The Transformers are a group of alien robots that had their own civilization until they split into two groups-the protectors and the destroyers. The protectors are led by the heroic Optimus Prime, which the destroyers rely on Megatron to lead them. While on the hunt for a pair of eyeglasses worn by the great grandfather of Sam Witwicky (played by Shia LaBeouf, who is now in every movie currently out), the Megatron leads an attack on a United States army base. With the Defense Secretary wondering which country to declare war on, young Sam Witwicky is declaring war on the road as his father has just bought him a car. The car is strange, though, and the radio goes on at odd times, and sometimes seems like it is driving itself. That's because it is a transformer itself, and sure enough Sam embarrasses himself with it just after he gets the sexy Mikaela to allow him to give her a ride home. Eventually Sam is contacted by both sides of the transformers, considering that he knows where the eye-glasses on, and the military gets involved, leading up to a very very long battle on the streets where everything is knocked over and the town clearly needs a lot of rebuilding. The End-I've saved you a lot of trouble.

Now I was born a little too late to be interested in the "Transformers," and all I really knew about them before seeing the film was that little theme song on the television cartoon-"More that meets the eye. . ." So, even though it was fun watching it with the transformer nerds on opening night, I could not join with them as they clapped at the first transformation, or the appearance of Optimus Prime, or the appearance of Megatron, etc. But then again, it just wasn't very exciting either. Bay pads the film with useless subplots-including one about a group of computer hackers that leads to nowhere-and awful humor. The humor ranges on such juvenile topics as George W. Bush-who is laying on a bed in Air Force One with the camera zooming in a pair of big socks as somebody doing an awful Bush impersonation says "Could you go wrangle me some Ding Dongs, hon?", making customer service phone calls to India, and the ol' good cop/bad cop routine. Bay also strokes his ego when, during an invasion sequence, on character yells "This is so much more cooler than Armageddon!" The comedy also leads for some celebrity "cameos, including Bernie Mac as an annoying used car salesman, and Anthony Anderson who really has no purpose as one of the computer hackers. At two hours and twenty minutes this could have been an hour and forty and there would have been no loss. But Bay feels the need to pad the film to make it seem "bigger and better," but it just seems corny. One minor little clever thing was a scene where Sam tells Mikaela that there is "more than meets the eye, with her." That little in-joke I got.

The acting is very over the top and pretty ridiculous, with many big actors trying to get a check. While Shia LaBeouf is pretty much doing the thing he always does in every movie he's in, it's people like John Turturro that I am upset with. While he does deliver the most quirks out of his character than the others, it is still rather stale and forced, instead of him actually being interested in who Agent Simmons is. But then again, who cares who Agent Simmons is. It's easy to not care about anybody in this film, and character development is pretty much non-existent. And the obvious supporting characters-including the solider who, in the beginning says, "All I want to do is hold my daughter for the first time." Gee, I wonder if he will live or die. . . But enough about humor and acting, what about the action?

Truth is, the action throughout "Transformers" is pretty much the same as any other action that I have seen. Things blow up, and robots fight, but there just wasn't any feeling in it. The same with all of Bay's films-he does the action just to try and make something seem big, and he never makes the action into the art form that it really is. During the finale, while lasts a good half hour, I checked my watch several times to see if it was time to go home. And while the audience was roaring and cheering whenever Optimus Prime would throw something at Megatron, or whenever something actually transformed, I am sure that they are just twenty year old Transformer fans. When the other audiences go out on Thursday or Friday to see this, I can expect rather mundane expressions on their faces throughout the "action" sequences. In the end, I guess if your a fan of Transformers, you may find something to enjoy here, but everybody else should be spared this two hour and a half commercial for GM cars and eBay.

"Transformers" is probably the worst film of the summer so far. Worse than "Shrek the Third," which even if I did have low expectations its mostly because we've seen Shrek before. Worse than "Pirates of the Caribbean" which moved faster at a twenty minute longer length. Worse than "Hostel Part Two," and "Fantastic Four," and that is saying a lot. This is worse because it was going to be something new. Instead of a sequel it should have been the start of something great. But with Bay at the helm its impossible to do so, because he has his head so far up in the clouds that he can't even try to make an alien invasion film remotely intelligent-it's all about the effects and the lame jokes to keep bringing in the dollars. And while Bay will have the last laugh when "Transformers" makes pockets of money over the week and for the next month, its quality that should make the audience stay away from "Transformers 2," which was already green lit and set for a 2009 date.