Inland Empire

Inland Empire ***1/2

A while back I made a comment saying that "Casino Royale" was the first James Bond film I ever saw. When I wrote that, I was debating if I should include in my review for "Inland Empire" that this was the first David Lynch film I ever saw. I could hear the masses now-And you call yourself a film fan? The truth is, I just never got around to watching a Lynch film, but I've always been curious. The way people talk about "Blue Velvet," "Eraserhead," and "Mullholland Drive" makes him seem to be some sort of a God. With "Inland Empire" out in the city now, it's obvious that I had to see it. While I couldn't love this film, it was quite a feat to behold, and an admirable work.

"Inland Empire" is no easy task to watch, either. It is just about three hours long, and two of those hours is a filmed nightmare. The first hour sets the stages for what you assume will be the story. Laura Dern plays Nikki, an actress who has just been given a part in a film by accalimed director Kingsley Stewart. While she is still up for the role, Nikki is visited by her new neighbor, an old woman who stares at her and begins to tell a tale of a boy that was chased by evil. "Evil was born, and followed the boy," she says, while Nikki just stares at her confused. Nikki begins filming the movie, and learns from her director that the film is a remake of an unfinished Polish film-where the two leads ded, thus putting a curse on the film. The film is about a couple that have an affair, which begins to parallel what is going on in Nikki's life. Her and her co-star, Devon begin an affair very much like the one in the film they are making, and from that point on her life becomes a living hell.

I can't exactly find the words to describe what happens next-Dern is led on a psychological journey around dark hallways, alleyways, slowly becoming more and more frightened at whatever is going on. After the first hour of this, I just started to stop trying to figure out exactly what was going on and to just enjoy the experience. At times there were scenes in Polish, which I am assuming was the story of the original Polish film makers whose film was destroyed years ago. There were a few scenes with Naomi Watts and Laura Harring voicing a few six foot tall rabbits in a living room, with a laughtrack in the background as if it were a sitcom. I still can't exactly figure out the meaning of the giant rabbits. Laura Dern is amazing in this role, and it appears that she worked very hard at capturing a difficult character-Nikki is confused and tormented most of the time by whatever is going on around her, and Dern plays it very convincing. I heard that Lynch wrote the scenes of this as he went along filming, so Dern and the rest of the cast never exactly knew what was happening either-they would just leave it in the hands of Lynch. I don't understand how she seemed to have mastered the role, and not have known what was going on-maybe she is just a terrific actress.

Lynch films this on digital cameras, and instead of a crisp clear picture we have to live with a grainy and ugly look. But it works here in a way, and Lynch is able to do a little more than he would normally be able to do with film-and with a film and structure like this it was probably worth it. I also heard that Lynch shot well into twelve hours or so of film, and in editing it it still came to such a long length. But the three hours flies back-this sucks you in and puts you into some kind of a trance. You're horrified and at the same time cannot look away. The flickering lights, the screams, the distorted visuals. One look away and you might miss something. This is more intense than any action film, and more creepy than any horror film, and yet you still don't really know what is going on. There are a few single images that still give me the creeps just thinking about it, and made me jump by being unexpected. You never exactly know what Lynch is going to do next. At times I do get the impression that Lynch is doing alot in this for himself and not for the viewer-at times it is a little much-but for the most part this is a remarkable work, and must be seen-especially for any hardcore Lynch fan-I have a feeling based on what I've heard of his past work that this is right up their alley. "Inland Empire" is truly an experience, and the first in my hopefully long relationship with David Lynch.

The Architect

The Architect **

"The Architect" is the second, to my knowledge anyway, in a series of films being released by HDTV in an interesting format. It was released in theatres the first week of December, and then released on DVD a few days later. The quality of this film is high enough to go directly to video, or directly to Lifetime. In fact, if it weren't for gaining two big stars to headline the film, it probably wouldn't have made it past the script reading stages. "The Architect" is about eight separate movies all crammed into one, with only two of them even being worthwhile. And that is where it faces its biggest problems-it just doesn't know what it wants to be. Does it want to provide social commentary on housing and development? Does it want to be a drama about a family on the verge of a breakdown? Does it want to be about a marriage? Does it want to be about a young girl who begins to develop and discover boys? Does it want to be about a young man questioning his homosexuality? And so writer/director Matt Tauber decides to take topics from race, sexual identity, and art over quality to forms his own little disaster piece, which is a mess from the start.

In the beginning, it seems like this will be a war of the words between Leo Waters and Tonya Neely. Leo is an architect, and a project of his from years ago is getting bad feedback in the present time. Tonya is concerned with the building, as the neighborhood around it has been filled with crime and no good. She demands that the building be knocked down and in its place a new building, and hopefully a new community. Tonya thinks that bringing her petition directly to the architect himself would be a more effective solution. Leo is not ready to jump on the wagon and sign Tonya's petition, saying that it would be an insult to himself, and it would basically be admitting to himself that he failed. Leo's family is not perfect either-his wife is going through a little crisis where she likes to throw valuables around the house. Why? Because it has to give him another thing to worry about. And then there is his daughter, Christina, who has become fascinated by her chest and wants everybody else to be as well. And then there is his son, Martin, who befriends Shawn, a resident of the area were the building in question is, who may be expecting something a little more than friendship.

Now I was into the first few minutes or so. I knew that it wouldn't be a masterpiece, but a possibly interesting film on a topic that interests me-architectural works, and the place that certain structures have in society. There's an issue similar going on where I live at the moment. But Tauber refuses to stay in one place, and drifts into uncomfortable scenes and subplots that drift as far away from the original story as possible. I didn't need to see a scene between Christina and a trucker that she befriends in the back of a bar. I didn't need the homosexual subplot between Martin and Shawn, and a scene that they share together on the roof of the building in question. I wanted more of the conflict between the architect and Tonya, and instead it turned into a piece about their families. "The Architect" tries to be many things, but fails to highlight the social commentary piece that it should be-and by the end it seemed like a complete waste of time. Matt Tauber needs to focus his work a little more-this clearly could have used a few rewrites. At times this seemed exactly like something you would see on Lifetime-worn and tired out stories and plot lines with acting that is worse than the family on those Eggland advertisements.

10 Items or Less

10 Items or Less ***

It is something that everybody should experience at least once. Meeting somebody for the first time, getting to know them, sharing life experiences, and being pretty much inseparable for a short amount of time, and then to part ways, promising to keep in touch, but knowing deep down that you will never see that person again. It may sound depressing, but it is always enriching, and an amazing memory to look back upon one day with the utmost fondness. I have had meetings like that, many of them to be truthful. I have met people that I easily could find myself becoming their friends one day, but because of timing as well as just being in the moment makes it impossible to at times.

"10 Items or Less" is basically about that type of encounter, following a day in the lives of characters played by Morgan Freeman and Paz Vega-a couple that I bet you never would have expected to see together. The script pretty much consists of their dialogues, and ramblings on their present lives as they shop, eat, drive around running errands, and eventually parting ways. It's a very simple story. Freeman plays a veteran actor, known only as Him, but he could pretty much just be Morgan Freeman playing himself. The actor hasn't accepted a role in a few years, and he might make a little comeback doing a small independant film. He hasn't committed to the role, but is going to a small grocery store for the afternoon to do a little research for the part. What he finds is Scarlet, a cashier in the ten items or less line who hates her job, but can somehow punch in the prices of everything in the store extremely quickly. The only thing that is stopping advancement is the fact that the other girl working register is sleeping with the big boss, who also happens to be Scarlet's husband. Scarlet has plans on going to a job interview, to do office work and get out of the supermarket. When the actor's driver never picks him up, Scarlet decides to bring him where he needs to go. However, when he sees the life that she must live, including an encounter with her awful husband, he decides to help her throughout the day to prepare for the big interview.

Morgan Freeman and Paz Vega are wonderful together, and have exactly what it takes to carry an entire film. I was also glad that writer/director Brad Silberling didn't involve a love plot between the two of them. It was refreshing that they don't end up together, in bed or kissing, and the idea of them being a couple is far from where the story is heading. The rest of the script is equally intelligent, giving conversations between the two that sound as if actual people would have them. They never felt forced, and even when the two play an innocent little game which they call "Ten Items or Less"-naming ten or less of their feelings to whatever topic is chosen-it may seem slightly goofy and eye rolling, but the way its played doesn't make it that way at all.

Morgan Freeman is great playing a much more light role than what he is used to, and Paz Vega is absolutely beautiful. If it weren't for Penelope Cruz, I think Vega could be much more famous than she is. I adored "10 Items or Less" because it obviously came from the heart. It is not a groundbreaking addition to the history of cinema, but it is sweet, funny, and always entertaining. By the end of this film you really do care about these two people. The bond that they have created is believable, and as Paul Simon sings during the end credits, and the two of them look at each other and stay "We will never see each other" it is painful and sad to see, but also hopeful and uplifting. By finding each other, they have also found parts of themselves-parts that they never knew existed before. And it is in these chance encounters with strangers where we actually make our true friends-the ones that we will cherish forever because we don't ever see them-the gone but not forgotten.

The Aura

The Aura ***

"The Aura" is an addictive and engrossing crime thriller, and the last film by Fabián Bielinsky, who died suddenly shortly before this was released. It stems from Argentian roots, but can easily be remade here in the United States any day now-and with a story like this, something actually original and interesting, who can blame them. It's like that old adage which I first heard in a Woody Allen movie-Always strive for originality, but if you have to steal, steal from the best. Remaking "The Aura" would be stealing from the best.

"The Aura" begins with a fantasy, and the introduction to a taxidermist who is never referred to by name. The Taxidermist is hard at work, but that doesn't stop his mind from drifting to the notion of a perfect crime-a bank robbery. He knows exactly how it should be done, but never has the nerve to actually carry out his crime. And then everything changes. He is invited by a friend of his on a hunting trip which he hesitates before saying "yes." Once there, his friends sees that the taxidermist has a hard time shooting anything, and decides to abandon him in the woods without a way of getting home. While alone, the taxidermist takes a walk in the woods with the intention to kill an animal, and then accidentally shoots a man instead. From this point on, the taxidermists dreams of becoming part of a crime come true, as the man he killed was a part of an intricate and dense scheme involving a robbery at a casino. He takes the mans place and identity, and the nameless taxidermist finally becomes somebody he is not.

I can't say much more without ruining anything, because "The Aura" is something to see knowing very little background as possible. Watching the confused, and yet intrigued, taxidermist is interesting-he is dying to be a part of a crime for so long that when he does actually end up involved in one he realizes that it is not all its cracked up to be. This is a thrilling film, and something to look for. It's a shame that Fabián Bielinsky died, because his films are truly unique and original. I never saw his first film, "Nine Queens," but I did see the remake "Criminal." If "Nine Queens" is as fun and full of twists as "Criminal" was, then it probably demands to be seen as well. "The Aura" is better than any crime thriller in Hollywood.

The Fountain

The Fountain ***

"The Fountain" must be applauded for not only breaking free of the standard Hollywood story, but also being coherent at the same time. Many film makers try to be daring and original, but in the end are in able of actually telling a story. They just throw random images on the screen and call it art, and then expect the audience to react as if it is the second coming. Not only does "The Fountain" tell a story, but it does it through some spectacular visuals and engrossing storytelling. Unfortunately, it isn't completely perfect, the acting is very wooden and dull, and at times it seemed a little too pretentious for its own good. But it's admirable, and if you want to experience it there are a few rules that you must follow.

"The Fountain" tells the story of a couple during three time periods-always with different names, but always the same actors-Hugh Jackman and Rachael Weisz. In the first segment it is the 16th century, and a Spanish conquistador named Tomas is sent by Queen Isabel to go out and look for the Tree of Life. When he returns, he will be immortal and she will join him as his wife. Her goal is to become immortal since she is about to be executed for here say. Jumping ahead to the present day we are introduced to Tommy and Izzi. Tommy is a researcher for disease, and his wife is writing a book about the Mayan civilization. She only made it to the last chapter before being diagnosed with a brain tumor, which Tommy decides to somehow find a cure for. We then jump ahead 500 years into the future, where Tom Creo is a balding man traveling through space in a large bubble, with nothing to keep him company except a tree. He plans on driving the tree into the heart of a dying star, with the hope that when it explodes it will bring the tree back to life.

"The Fountain" is essentially a puzzle, shifting through time letting us slowly figure out the parallels to the stories, as well as letting us figure out how everything connects. To fully understand it, it is imperative to see multiple times, or at least with a group of people to have a proper discussion about, because it doesn't hand you everything on a plate. Each story has it's own visual style, and the scenes of most beauty come from those in the future, which is bursting with golden light. The present day story is often dark and gritty. I was not very interested in seeing the story of the conquistador, and whenever that segment was on I would wait patiently for it to end.

Hugh Jackman and Rachael Weisz are not very good here, and their acting is so stale at times its as if they were reading off the page right there. I could never connect to them, which is the main problem with "The Fountain." Considering this is the story of eternal love and life, we should be able to love their relationship, through all three time periods. Director Darren Aronofsky paces this in a way that we jump from segment to segment with great ease, and we sadly never get the chance to become emotionally involved with any of the segments. I didn't care about Tommy and Izzi at all, or the fact that she was dying, or that she was a tree, or that he was looking for the Tree of Life. I understood everything, but I often didn't care.

It sounds like I don't like this film, but I did. It's an art house film, true and true. It's interesting and fun to talk about once it is over. There are a few requirements, though. First of all, this must be seen on the big screen as it was meant to. I can't really imagine watching this on the small screen at home. The second is that it must be seen without any pauses or rewinds. This must be watched straight through without any interruptions. While watching it, I couldn't really imagine watching it on television with commercials. It'll take away from the experience. The way it is a paced makes it like a really long sentence, and by the time the credits begin you roll, you are amazed that ninety minutes actually passed. "The Fountain" may not be a convincing love story, and you could find better acting in almost anything else out there now, but it is certainly something unique, and for once unique doesn't have to mean impossible to understand. This is an experience and an experiment which doesn't need to be loved, but it needs to be seen at some point.

Casino Royale

Casino Royale ***

Alright everyone? Are you ready for a big shocker? "Casino Royale" is my first trip into the world of James Bond. That's right. I've never seen a single second of any James Bond film, all twenty something of them, until the first few seconds on this. What's been stopping me? I don't know. Lack of interest, I guess. What got me started? Well, it is a prequel. I always hate walking into the middle of series not knowing anything about it. Sure I didn't get the "in-jokes," but at least I know the origins. That and the lack of an admission ticket. No matter what the reasons were that I saw this, I am glad either way, because "Casino Royale" is two and a half hours of pure entertainment, romance, sexual energy, and the most intense poker game I've ever seen. The card game here gives the one in "The Sting" a run for its money. And its great to see Daniel Craig(you know, that guy from "Layer Cake." Oh, you didn't see that. Well, you should) finally getting some recognition. While he's been better in other films, it is a little upsetting that he'll probably be forever known as James Bond now, but at least his name will be mentioned among conversation. And it's also great to see the B-E-A-U-tiful Eva Green get a bit acclaim(you know, that girl from "Kingdom of Heaven." Oh, you didn't see that either. Where have you been, man?)

Even if you've never seen a James Bond film before, you know what he is. The name has become some sort of a popularity, and the theme music is something that is often hummed whenever in an intense situation. Well, if you don't know much about Bond, see the first few minutes of this, and you'll learn how Bond became a 007. You need two kills to be a double O, and now that he's accomplished that(which seems like a very easy task, considering some of the other things that these agents do) he's ready for his first mission. On foreign grounds, Bond ends up killing an unarmed bomber, which doesn't make him look pretty in the eyes of M-his superior. Bond decides to figure out what other people are involved with the bomber. Bond finds himself in the acquaintance of Le Chiffre, an banker for international terrorists. M lets Bond know that Le Chiffre will be playing a high stakes poker game at Casino Royale-if Bond looses and Le Chiffre wins, than Bond just aided in giving money to terrorists-so Bond makes it his utmost goal to make sure he wins that game. But then, disaster strikes, and Bond falls in love with fellow secret agent Vesper Lynd(he even makes his secret pass code, which needs to be six letters long, her name. Sweet.)

Now it's important to understand, and I didn't understand this until well after the movie was done, that "Casino Royale" is not a continuation of the previous Bond films. It isn't even a prequel to that series. It can't be. M mentions September 11th at one point. It's the beginning of a brand new series of Bond films. The old ones are history. That ship has sailed. This is the beginning of the beginning, which means that I jumped on board in the nick of time. Unfortunately, I can't compare this to the other Bonds, but I can safely say that this is one hell of an action ride. It's intense-the first few minutes alone start off with a bang. The card game, even when there is not a single gunshot or chase in sight, is intense in itself-and I don't even know that much about poker. Daniel Craig is the perfect balance between menacing and charming-I didn't know if I hated him or adored him. It's very realistic-more so than all the spoofs will have this made out to be-Bond gets all bloodied up at times, the villain is real, and I actually didn't have to hear a long and rambling speech by the villain just as he's about to kill the hero, and then is stopped in the nick of time. But this is a new world, and a new Bond.

"Casino Royale" is clearly not a masterpiece, but the only real visible flaw falls in the running times. This seems to believe that in order to be a big film for the end of the year, it has to be close to three hours. Not necessary. Towards the end, Bond and Vesper begin their little relationship, and they kiss and swim and sail boats, and that went on for roughly twenty minutes-or about ten minutes too long. But it sucks back into action quickly after, so it's well worth getting through. "Casino Royale" works on its own, you don't need to know much about Bond to get into it. But since I'm an idiot, I'm probably one of the few that even bothered seeing it without being exposed to James Bond of the past. Oh well, we all have our little secrets. It's not perfect, but "Casino Royale" is the ultimate action film around, and an extremely entertaining one at that.

Deck the Halls

Deck the Halls **1/2

"Deck the Halls" is not going to get you into the Christmas spirit like "The Santa Clause 3" did, but it's possibly amusing for the season if you don't look into it that hard. Don't go in expecting a masterpiece, and you should probably get a solid five or six laughs from it. And while the script doesn't offer anything new or exciting or even jolly, it's always worth seeing Danny DeVito and Matthew Broderick, who probably needed the money.

"Deck the Halls" tells the story of the fued between Steve Finch and Buddy Hall. Around his town, Steve is always regarded as "The Christmas Guy." During the December month everybody seems to want his opinion on their Christmas decorations, lights, parties, everything. Unfortuntely it gets to his head to the point where he drives his family insane with a completely organized December, complete with a giant calender marking off what needs to be done that day, Christmas related. Everything changes when Buddy Hall moves in next door. Buddy seems to be a naturally nice guy, with a wife and two twin daughters. Buddy works in a car dealership. but becomes bored with what the job has to offer. He gets a new obsession when his daughters show him a website with pictures from a satellite showing their block. Buddy notices that his house can't be seen from space-it's too small, and there's too many trees blocking the view. He comes up with the idea of lighting his house with Christmas lights, but takes it to extreme when no matter how hard he tries his house still can't be seen. The newfound passion for Christmas has its repercussions when everybody wants Buddy's advice on the holiday, leaving Steve in the dust. The two begin a battle of wits and lights as Christmas comes closer and closer, and Buddy becomes more and more obsessed with being recognized by the martians above. . .

My rating for "Deck the Halls" stems from the facts that
1) It isn't by means a "good" movie so it can't get my recommendation rating.
2) The people that intend on seeing it will be entertained. It's a harmless Christmas movie, after all.

Did I personally enjoy it? In a way. Parts of it had a few good chuckles. It does resort to cheap laughs at times, and of course there is a scene with a live animal reindeer, and yes the ending does include some carolling, but what else would you expect from a Christmas comedy? It is forgettable, will not be seen again next Christmas, and will indeed probably resort to being shown at 8am on TBS a week before Christmas, but things could be worse. After all, it could've been "Christmas with the Kranks 2," I say shuddering in fear. "Deck the Halls" isn't a must-see, or even worth seeing at all, but for those families looking for a Christmas movie to see will get a kick out of it. Maybe.

Happy Feet

Happy Feet ***1/2

"Happy Feet" is probably the best animated film since "Finding Nemo." It's so good, in fact, that it'll probably give Pixar a run for its money when it takes home the Oscar gold instead of this summer's "Cars." I couldn't find a single scene, no! a single frame, throughout this entire film that didn't obviously have so much care and detail in it. There were times when the environment and detail spent into the characters were so perfectly crafted that it felt as though I were watching a documentary. In fact, if the penguins in this weren't singing and dancing and talking, I would think that I was still watching "March of the Penguins."

"Happy Feet" tells the story of the Emperor Penguins in the Arctic. In order to attract a mate in this penguin world, every penguin has to have his or her own voice-or song. The male will sing its song to attract the female, and if the female feels the same way she will sing her song back. And they aren't just whistles, they are actual songs from the 60's-90's-"Lets Talk About Sex"(pronounced Ex to remain family friendly,) "My Way," etc. Recently, Memphis and Norma Jean had an egg, and at some point during the long and tedious labor months, Memphis drops the egg, revealing its tender shell to the cold weather and possibly damaging whats inside. Memphis returns the egg to its place underneath him, and decides to pretend the entire thing never happened. Sure enough the egg is hatched a few minutes later than all the rest, and Memphis isn't surprised to find that what is inside(named Mumble) is slightly different from them too. Instead of singing at an early age, Mumble begins to dance. "I think its cute," Norma Jean says to Memphis, who simply responds "It ain't penguin." Mumble's isn't accepted by the other singing penguins, and he has a hard time gaining the love of Gloria, the penguin he's always admired from afar. Once day he comes across a group of penguins that find his dancing "cool" and decide to help him gain the love of Gloria. Mumble's love problems should be the least of his worries, though, when he is blamed for the fish shortage that is causing food problems for the others. Mumble's decides to save the penguins and set everything right again, and he goes on a quest to find out what is causing the fish shortage.

Like I said earlier, the animation in this is so vivid and realistic that it is like watching a documentary. Even during the action scenes, where whales and eagles and other creatures chase the penguins, the detail on them was pitch perfect. Drops of water would fall off of them as they would jump out of the ocean, the sunlight glistened off of their skin. I was awestruck watching this. And then there is a section towards the end with humans-it took me a little bit to figure out that they weren't animated and that they spliced real actors into the film. But the point is, the realistic environments of the first half had me confused well into the second. The musical sequences were a bit tedious at times-I could have lived without a lot of them. But the third act is jaw-dropping. "Happy Feet" manages to tell a fantastic message to the youngin's-be yourself no matter how different you may be from others, as well as preaching an environmental plea that everybody, not just kids, should listen too.

The voice cast is top notch. Hugh Jackman, whose been in almost every single movie in the last three months, was nearly unrecognizable as Memphis, and Nicole Kidman, although barely in it, did a good job as Norma Jean. Robin Williams offers three different characters to us, each one of them unique and classic Williams in their own way. Elijah Wood doesn't do much for me, voice or life action, but I have no complaints here. Just about everything in "Happy Feet" clicks. However, I was slightly disappointed by the ending. It was just a little too happy. Everything tied together with a knot and a bow. The last ten minutes seemed to foreshadow something dark and depressing, and I was certain that this wouldn't end the way that every single family friendly movie has ended since the beginning of time. But everything is alright, and there's another dance, bada bing, bada boom! But oh well, this is a children's movie after all. And one of the best children's movies you'll see this year. "Happy Feet' deserves the acclaim that its getting. It's an adorable children's film with a great message. It doesn't lob for cheap laughs and animation to make a quick buck. Obvious care and effort went into this, and it was well worth it.

The History Boys

The History Boys **

"The History Boys" started out as a play by Alan Bennett, and ended up becoming a smash hit that won the most Tony Awards in history. Now its become a movie, boasting the award winning cast and production team as the play. It was even conviently made shortly after the end of its run at the theatre, keeping the script and story fresh in the actors minds. Now I was expecting something special, and something with alot of heart. An inspiratial teacher movie. Something where the students learn from their professor, not just history, science, and english, but important life values. That's in there, and there is plenty of it. Believe me-there are some scenes of teaching that go on for well over five minutes. But when all was said and done, I had t his creepy and unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach. This movie gave me the creeps-and it's easy to see why. . .

A group of students at a private school in England have recently been given some great news. They have all passed their finals, and they all passed with such high grades that they are being considered for scholarships to Oxford and Cambridge-and all that would be required is another few months before the entrance exams. In order to get all of them to pass, and to give a good name for the school, the headmaster hires Mr. Irwin, and Oxford graduate who agrees to step in to help the boys ace the test. Unfortunely, the time with Mr. Irwin forces the headmaster to cut time with Mr. Hector, the arts and culture teacher, who the boys always have alot of fun with. Mr. Hector does not seem to have lesson plans, or themes that run throughout the hour. Instead he drifts from subject to subject, sometimes bursting out into another language for minutes at a time. Mr. Hector is teaching the students to be more well rounded people, and gives a damn about their education and life instead of just trying to get them through a set of exams. He has one little problem though-every now and them he ends up touching the boys in an odd manner, something that is usual for him, and something that the boys look at as a ritual of sorts. Everybody goes througt it at some point. When Mr. Hector offers to give a motorcycle ride home to Posner, the new shy student in the class, he is caught in the act. The headmaster sees this as an opportunity to force Hector into an early retirement, which he greets with sadness. The headmaster does not see Hector's style of teaching as the most fitting way-and instead cannot stop gushing about how amazing Irwin is. As Hector faces his retirement, and the boys face their exams, it'll be more than luck that'll be needed to get them through it.

Now, can you see why this gave me the willies? Everybody is raving about this, saying how wonderful it is, and how funny it is. But is anybody seeing what I'm seeing? I'm seeing trying to create sympathy for the teacher that touches young boys. I mean nobody seems to care about this little aspect of it. Mr. Hector seems to be a nice man and all, but this little bit is what I just can't get past. Richard Grifiths as Hector does try and get the audience to feel sorry for him, and at times I almost drifted towards that idea, but then it just hit me again what he was doing, and any type of sympathy that I had for him just disappeared. And then there is the relationship that develops between Mr. Irwin and Dakin, the Ladies Man of all the boys. It appears that Dakin is bisexual, and has his eyes set on Mr. Irwin. And conviently, it appears that Irwin is gay, and does have a little bit of a fondness for Dakin. One of the final scenes in the movie has them talking and making plans for a date at some point. It was strange to watch, and I was nervously shifting in my seat. I wasn't aware that pedipelia would be a part of this movie going experience. I really couldn't see what was wonderful about this film at all-there is not a single character here that we can feel bad for, even though Griffths does try to come close. Before even finding about his little habit with the boys there is a wonderful scene where he is teacher a group of them-when the headmaster comes in and introduced Hector to Irwin, Hector is in the middle of an Italian lesson, which involves one of the boys atop the desk doing something that might not be according to dress code. When the headmaster comes in to find Hector and the boys having a good laugh, Hector continues to speak in Italian. And then another great scene in the film has Hector teaching a student privately about a book that the student is reading. For the first time, all jokes aside, we see that Hector really is a good teacher, as he lectures this young man about the wonders of books-

"The best moments in reading are those when you find a passage seems to have been written just for you. It's as if a hand is reaching out and grabbing yours. . "

And then, during both of these scenes, I am soon reminded of everything else that Hector has done, and any type of admireation for him goes away. My favorite character here is probably the headmaster, played perfectly by Clive Merrison. He is a steorotypical, uptight headmaster who cares about results, but the character is played so well. His reponses to what Hector is up to, and his worries about the boys were all played great. And there was nothing creepy about him at all. I've heard that "The History Boys" translated well from the stage, and at times the movie did seem very much like the play, so I guess they did a good job with that. But the whole story, the characters, the situations, all just made me nervous and creeped out. I didn't expect it to be so wrong. Perhaps this should stay on the stage, or inside Bennett's head, because I did not need to be subjected to this strange and disturbing "comedy."

Opal Dream

Opal Dream ***

I saw "Opal Dream" at one of the smallest theatres in Manhattan, where the seats are rather uncomfortable, the screen is very small, the place seems as if it's being haunted by the ghosts of the actors that used to preform there, and the film is always so scratched up that it looks like the print was just attacked by a mountain lion. I refuse to name names, so I won't get in trouble with anyone, but that is where I saw this film. "Opal Dream" was released in just four theatres throughout the United States during it's opening weekend, and this sorry excuse for a theatre is the only place it was playing in Manhattan. The point I'm trying to make here is that "Opal Dream" was hidden by it's studio. I heard of the title, and read a single review, but before seeing the beginning I had never seen a single frame of this. I never saw a trailer, a commerical, or any type of poster or print advertisement. I was going on a whim. And it's sick to see films like "Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny" playing throughout the United States in over one thousand screens, and then seeing "Opal Dream" simply in four. This is a delightful and wonderful family film, that will never get the respect it deserves because it can't be found. Shame on you, Strand, for not having faith in one of your works. I enjoyed myself immensely watching this, and hopefully by some bizarre twist of fate you'll be able to find it too.

"Opal Dream" begins with the innocent dancing of a little girl in her backyard. Her name is Kellyanne, and we learn that this innocence and childlike behavior is what is getting her family into trouble. Kellyanne has imaginary friends-two of them-Pobby and Dignan-and she is so convinced that they are real that she's built them a house in the backyard, has them eat dinner with the entire family, talks to them in public, and even buys food for them at the grocery store. Lolipops, to be exact. Lolipops are their favorite. Her parents, Rex and Annie, watch her fearfully, hoping that her obsession with these friends will go away quickly. Her mother even goes through alot of trouble to actually introduce her to some other children. Her brother Ashmol doesn't fail to remind everybody that they aren't real, which gets him and his sister into a lot of shouting matches. Rex is an opal digger, who has his own little hole in the mines where he is obsessed with finding that one gem that could solve any money problem the family has. One day, in order to get Kellyanne to go to a party with her mother alone, Rex pretends that Pobby and Dignan are real and wants to take them out to the opal mines with him and Ashmol. When he comes back at the end of the night, Kellyanne annouces that her friends are not in the truck. Of course she is worried, and demands that her father drive her to the opal mines so that she could have a look. Sadly, roaming the opal mines in the middle of the night is not a good idea, and Rex is accused of "ratting" or trying to sabotage another persons opal mine, and he becomes an outcast in the town. The families luck does not end there, as Annie is fired from her job until the rest of the town cools off, and the absence of Pobby and Dignan seems to make Kellyanne ill with something-only nobody knows what.

I can't exactly see why "Opal Dream" couldn't be released nationwide-I think it could have worked out. It may not have any famous young actors that the kids love these days, and the Australian setting might be a problem too. God forbid families watch some kind of foreign film once in a while-and this one doesn't even have any subtitles! This is a great little gem, and one that has a nice little message. It is about continuing to live out your dreams, no matter how fake they could seem to others. Through Pobby and Dignan, Kellyanne manages to not only teach her father a thing or two about realistic goals, but also most of the town. It is about innocence, and done in a much more clean fashion as oppose to Terry Gilliam's "Tideland." There is just a lot of heart in this piece, some great preformances especially by Sapphire Boyce as Kellyanne, and Christian Byers as Ashmol, a young boy who seems to think he's loads older than he is. It's a great family film that will never see the light of day by the families it aims for. When the movie began I counted the amount of people watching it with me-there was a mother with her two children, two sets of elderly couples, and me. Wow. . . eight people. . . have we lost our minds. . .?

Bobby

Bobby **

What a fitting little flick that is conviently coming out smack dab in the middle of Oscar season. A film sporting a large ensemble cast with many well known actors, as well as a number of up and coming young actors, all about what happened during the day and the night of the assassination of Mr. Robert F. Kennedy. Put this film to your ear and it shouts Oscar. . .

Right. . . ?

Not in this case. "Bobby" is nothing new, and in the end it tries way to hard to be uplifting and inspirational. It draws so many obvious influences from the late Robert Altman, or even Paul Thomas Anderson to a lesser extent, only without any of the heart and soul that both of those film makers would have invested in their characters. Perhap it's because Emilio Estevez isn't the person that should have made it, I don't know. But in the end, "Bobby" failed to make me sympathic to anything that was happening on screen, or to the twenty two or so characters it is about, and by the end I was just hoping that the gun man who killed Kennedy would just pop up early, and not only plug the hopeful president, but about half of the ensemble in general. And then I could go home and not have to endure another minute of this so called "Oscar contender."

"Bobby" ends up not being about the actual president hopeful, but about a large group of unrelated people that are staying the hotel that he was killed in. On June 5, 1968, shortly after winning the Democractic primary in California, it seemed that Kennedy was a niche to being nominated for President. And his preisdency would be coming at the perfect time, as America spirals down towards the beginning of new decade-and hopefully one that isn't as bad as the 60's. Kennedy is coming to the Ambassador Hotel, where it all ends. And residing at the hotel is a wide group of people-all going through their own little personal crisis. There is John Casey(Anthony Hopkins), a previous doorman at the hotel who still decides to haunt the floors and lobby. He is getting ready to play his regular chess game with Nelson(Harry Belafonte). There is Tim Fallen(Emilio Estevez), who has to live with his wife Virginia(Demi Moore), a lounge singer who can't seem to stop drinking. There is Miriam(Sharon Stone), who owns and operates a salon in the hotel. Her husband, and the manager of the hotel, Paul(William H. Macy) is trying to end his affair with the much younger Angela(Heather Graham), a switchboard operator. There is Samantha(Helen Hunt) who tells her husband Jack(Martin Sheen) that she forgot her black shoes at home and needs to go shopping for new ones. There is Diane(Lindsey Lohan) who is prepared to marry her friend William(Elijah Wood), so that if he is drafted he will have to go overseas, but he wouldn't get sent to Vietnam. There is Jose(Freddy Rodríguez) a busboy who has just learned that he has to do a full shift-which puts a damper on his plans to see the baseball game that night. So he sells the tickets to Edward(Laurence Fishburne), a chef who luckily gets to leave early. There's Timmons(Christian Slater), the manager of Food and Beverage at the hotel who is refusing to let the kitchen staff go to vote, which results in Paul firing him. There's Lenka(Svetlana Metkina), a reporter who is dying to get an interview with Kennedy, so she continues to try and persuade the campaign manager Wade(Joshua Jackson) to give her one. And then there's pretty waitress Susan(Mary Elizabeth Winstead), who discusses life and politics with two more of the campaign volenteers Cooper and Jimmy(Shia LaBeouf and Brian Geraghty,) who eventually decide to experiment with various drugs from Fisher(Aston Kutcher). This entire group of people all interconnect with one another as the big night for Kennedy to give his speech comes closer and closer.

Now I love all of these movies with big ensemble casts, with all these characters lives connecting together. Sadly, "Bobby" does not have a need for this many stories. Think about it. Read the plot summary above, and look at all the stories. Is it neccessary to include a story where Helen Hunt needs shoes? I could see the relevance of some of the others-Hopkins as the past of the hotel haunting the hallways, the young experimenting with drugs, the two young friends who find love because of the state that the country is in, the racist kitchen manager who is living in the past when we should be taking a step forward-but I can't seem to care about the failing marriage of Moore and Estevez. In addition, because of the under two hour running time, there was never any depth to any of the stories, and they all just came to a standstill, especially during the big Kennedy speech. The Kennedy speech was done with a five minute montage. It alternates between his speaking, archieve footage, and the rest of the cast nodding in agreement with what Kennedy says. And then there was the soundtrack during this-Simon and Garfunkels "The Sound of Silence." Now I love that song, but the addition of that with the rest of the scene probably made this the most tedious and horrid scene in any film that I have seen this year.

Maybe "Bobby" could have been saved. Maybe if Estevez didn't get too pretentious and cut out some of his material(and I can't stress how pointless the Helen Hunt/Martin Sheen plot was). Maybe if he gave all of the remaining stories a little more relevance to the time period, and reasons why Kennedy is important to them. It's an ambitious work, and definetely has potential, but is so wrapped up in how "brilliant" and "insightful" it is trying to be that it clearly misses the mark. Not a complete waste of time, but is for the most part. Go out and rent an Altman film instead-you'll get much more out of it.

Stranger Than Fiction

Stranger Than Fiction ***1/2

"This is the story of a man named Harold Crick, and his wristwatch. . ."

Thus begins "Stranger Than Fiction" which is one of the most original and delightful films of the year. This is Will Ferrell finally drifting off to the other side-the roles that Robin Williams and Jim Carrey eventually drifted to-the dramatic side of acting. Ferrell did sort of go into that realm earlier in the year with "Winter Passing'' but this is his time to shine. And it's also another work into the career of Marc Forster, who is slowly becoming one of the most versatile directors around-his last three films were "Finding Neverland," "Stay," and now this-three completely different types.

As I said earlier, this is the story of a man named Harold Crick, whose life is full of no more surprises. Harold's life works accordingly to the tune of his wrist watch. He spends a certain amount of time every day brushing his teeth, counting the strokes. He spends a certain amount of time tying up his tie, and has the same amount of steps to the bus stop every day, before just making the bus as it pulls away. Harold works as an IRS agent, where he is good at his work. A co-worker could walk up to him and ask him to multiple 173 by 453, and Harold will be able to tell him 78369 without any hesitation. His workplace is almost as barran and empty ask his entire life. He walks into the basement to file papers, and the walls and cabinets are simply all white right down the line. All that begins to change when Harold is brushing his teeth one morning, and begins to hear a voice-

"While others fantasized about their upcoming day, Harold just counted brush strokes. . ."

Harold is confused. He looks around and see nobody. All throughout the day, and the days that followed, Harold's entire life is being narrated by a woman's voice-accurately speaking. His feelings, his thoughts, his action. Everything. He is especially scared when the author makes it known that he has interest in Ana Pascal, the free spirit baker who he is auditing. She decided to omit paying the taxes for the percentage that goes to the government, and Harold is forced to investigate. When he is certain that nobody else could hear the voice, Harold goes to visit a literature professor, who asks Harold to access if he is in a comedy of a tragedy. On the other side, we learn that Harold is indeed a character in the new book by Kaye Effel, an author suffering from writer's block who spends her days bordered up in her home, chain smoking. A representative from the publishers come to visit Kaye and aid her with whatever needs to be done. All of Kaye's books are similar in the same aspect-all of her main character die. Always. And that is a fact that Harold is shocked by when he hears

"Little did he know that events have been put into motion that would lead to his eminent death. . ."

And now Harold has to try and figure out a way to live the rest of his life-even when everything begins to go well for him.

'Stranger Than Fiction" is successful in taking a witty premise, and turning it into a work of art. While the first half is clever and has numerous laughs, especially watching Harold react to the strange voice above him, the second half drifts into more drama, as Harold gets closer and closer to his death. He eventually decides to track down Kaye, and comes face to face with his God. It even poses many interesting questions-Is it ethical to kill off a character when you know that he is a real, but at the same time is it right to alter an artists work? In this case, Kaye is Harold's God, and because she created him, shouldn't she be allowed to kill him too? There is also much to comment on living life in general. Harold's life starts out as this world that runs according to his watch. Forster is clever with a certain visual trick during his opening narration. As Harold runs down the street, numbers form that mark off how many steps he's taken, and other things of that nature. As Harold begins to change his ways, and develop his relationship with the baker, these visuals appear less and less often. He is going towards real life again. The literature professor does not care about life-he is too wrapped up in art. He tells Harold that he must die, because the book is a masterpiece and could be one of the best books ever written.

"Stranger Than Fiction" involves the viewer. You really do get into Harold Crick's life, and how he'll solve this predicament. The last act is intense as what could be the end of Harold comes closer to closer. If it has a happy or sad ending, I'll leave that to the viewer to decide-but all I'll say is that I had some tears in my eyes by the time this was over. Will Ferrell is fantastic in this role, not speaking or doing much a lot of time by always being interesting. Emma Thompson as Kaye is also fantastic, and she has this way of diverting all attention to herself during all the scenes that she is in. Dustin Hoffman is amusing as usual, simply acting like he always does, and I guess Queen Latifah is alright, but simply not needed. I suppose she was simply there to play off of Emma Thompson, and reveal a little more about her character, but in the end the Queen doesn't really do anything.

This is one of those films that should be recognized come award season, but will always slip past the radar. It's script is fantastic, and very smart. It is easy to mess up a great premise like this one, but everything works in perfect sync. I have a feeling that it'll join "Little Miss Sunshine" as a comedy that won't win anything simply because it's a comedy. There is more to movies than period epics and biographies of famous musicians, and this is a perfect example. "Stranger Than Fiction" is a reason why I love the movies, and I can't wait to see it again.

Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny

Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny *1/2

Now, I have had my share of laughs at some of the worst and dumbest movies ever made. I can quote my way through any conversation only using the dialogue of "Zoolander." I still crack up at the ending of "Club Dread," and in my eyes "Anchorman" is pure genius. But in the end, "Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny" is probably the worst dumbest movie ever made, and one that I was slightly embarrassed to be watching at times. It is full of random and crude humor, the likes of which should have hooked me the entire time. After all, I can appreciate jokes that come out of nowhere, but in this case they weren't even funny, or half way clever. It was nothing, and by the time it was over I felt like my time had been wasted.

I'm surprised that the word "unfunny" could be used describing a Jack Black movie, but in the end he's the only aspect of this wretched film that held any type of value. There are moments where a simple facial reaction from Mr. Black could made my sides split. And this is his baby too. His band, or "band." The film is about the creation of what Black and his partner Kyle Gass describe as "the greatest rock and roll band of all time." As a kid, Jack Black was never understood by his father. In a ridiculous opening, young Jack Black manages to rhyme rock with another word that starts with a "c" numerous times as his father destroys all of his rock and roll posters and decorations in his bedroom. Jack decides that the only way to really be able to explore the world of rock and roll is to run away from home, which he does. He makes it to Hollywood, and spots a street performer who he believes to have amazing sounds. The performer is cocky and a show off. Introducing himself as Kyle Gass, he refuses to show anything to Jack, and describes how popular his band-the Kyle Gass Project-is. A local pizza man is psyched to see this, and ends up becoming a groupie for the two of them. Kyle agrees to show Jack some moves, and they even become friends of some sort, until Jack learns that Kyle isn't famous at all. Jack and Kyle set out to find out how they could become amazing musicians. They learns from a strange guitar store owner that all famous rock and roll legends have had one thing in common-they have been in possession of The Pick of Destiny-a guitar pick that is actually part of Satan's tooth. The pick is currently residing in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and the two take a road trip to track it down.

There were a few moments of slight chuckles. Black is always worth a laugh or two, and Tim Robbins had a pretty witty cameo as a strange man who desires the pick as well. But always every other joke here was embarrassing to watch-including Jack Black getting high by accident and having a cartoonish fantasy of himself, and a final showdown with Satan who decides that he wants the pick back for himself. Finally, the songs of Tenacious D are nothing to write home about. They are supposed to be dumb but witty, but they simply go off the border of completely dumb. Every other word was R rated, and it wasn't even profanity that made it funny. It was filler for nothing. They say that whenever dialogue is all foul language it's because the writers couldn't think of any quality lines. I disagree with that sometimes, but in this case that adage applies. This is a narcissistic film, which was obviously created by Black and Gass as something for themselves. I'll bet that their minions-or fans of the band-will find this the greatest thing ever put to celluloid, and anybody stoned would find it more than amusing. But other than those two demographics, there is nothing here for anybody-not even a Jack Black fan. I was more interested in who else would show up-aside from Tim Robbins there was Ben Stiller-than what was happening with the jokes or story. "Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny" is a complete waste of time, and Black should move on from this band of his and return to some quality comedy films. Is that so much to ask? I guess I should have realized what I was in for with my eleven year old cousin laughing the whole time to the left of me, and my forty year old uncle sleeping within the first ten minutes to the right of me. I wish I could've fallen asleep too.

For Your Consideration

For Your Consideration **

I really am not a big fan of the Christopher Guest mockumentaries. I hated "A Mighty Wind" and had to turn off "Best in Show" partially in. I didn't even bother with "Waiting for Guffman." So I found it pretty fruitless to go out and see "For Your Consideration," which for the record is the first Guest film that is not a straight mockumentary. It is an attempt at narrative, and a weak one at that, because at times I still felt like I was watching a mockumentary. I just couldn't find a difference. But I thought I'd give it the benefit of the doubt. You never know, and once again I was let down by all the talent here. You would think that some of my favorite comedians all working on the same project would be something that would be met with joy and amazement. Instead, half of this was painful to watch and I was grateful for it's short running time.

"For Your Consideration" is a satirical attempt at the Oscars, and all the hustle and bustle that goes with the season. We are introduced to Marilyn Hack(Catherine O' Hara), an older actress that never really hit it big. She is starring in the new film "Home for Purim," a dysfunctional family drama that takes place during the Jewish holiday of Purim-or Thanksgiving as it is compared to later on. Co-starring with her is Victor Allan Miller(Harry Shearer), another vet actor who has been spending the last few years playing in television advertisements as Herb the Foot Long Weiner. Directed by extremely Jewish man Jay Berman(played by Christopher Guest himself who is constantly eating something), it also stars off screen lovers Callie Webb(Parker Posey) and Brian Chubb(Christopher Moynihan). Eventually, Marilyn is told by someone working on the film that he read online that there was suddenly buzz on her performance for an Oscar, and one for Victor as well. Suddenly this little film is getting attention from everybody, including the head of the studio(Ricky Gervais) who wants to tone down the "Jewishness" to appeal to a wider audience. And as the Oscar's approach, the success and news begins to go to the veterans heads. Marilyn gets plastic surgery done to the point where she appears to be constantly smiling, and Victor begins to make appearances in MTV-like shows for teenagers that have probably never even heard of him. But will all of this work even lead to a nomination?

There are a few worthy stabs at Hollywood, but on the whole "For Your Consideration" is another weak attempt from Guest. There were a few things that actually made me smile. One is Jane Lynch and Fred Willard as a duo of celebrity gossip news reporters ala "Access Hollywood." Clad in ridiculous costumes for the occasion(like dressing up like a genie with a crystal ball on Oscar predication days) Willard and Lynch play their characters(or caricatures in this case) with such perfection. I also got some laughs from the two film critics, with one guy always loving the movie and the other always hating it. And lastly, once again John Michael Higgins proves that he's someone special as he steals every scene he's in(which he also did for the dreadful "The Break Up" earlier in the year.) And that's pretty much it. Everything else was so obvious, from the cheesy agent who is always calling everyone his number one client, and then takes a phone call from someone else, to the entire romance between Posey and Chubb which was made even worse when the Oscar buzz caused them to break up. There's the unfunny producer, played by the awful Jennifer Coolidge, who is always trying to put the attention onto herself. And then there's Michael McKean and Bob Balaban as the screenwriters of "Home for Purim" who must contend with all the changes that the director is enforcing, until the finished product is vastly different from how they envisioned it.

To make matters worse, the final ending is an extreme let down. In the last five minutes or so we get a little finale with each of the four stars of "Home for Purim," and each one does not give the right closure to the characters at all. Especially Parker Posey, whose final scene involves her one woman show which is so god-awful and horribly unfunny that it became difficult to watch. And there was Marilyn's ending, which actually ends the movie. Catherine O'Hara played Marilyn very well, to the point where we care about her and are upset at the road that she goes down on the "trip to stardom." Sadly, the ending to her story is as weak as all the others, and any impression that Guest was trying to make was lost on me. I was just ready to go home and not sit through the end credits(which were ironically enough the song "Hooray for Hollywood.) I have a feeling that I'll be skipping Guest's next venture unless he wises up and makes something somewhat original.

The Piano Tuner of Earthquakes

The Piano Tuner of Earthquakes ***

In the end, when all is said and done, I have no clue what "The Piano Tuner of Earthquakes" was actually about. I did not have any connection to the story or the characters, and I stopped caring about midway about what was going on. Then why, you may ask, did I recommend this, and give it such a high rating? Well, the answer is simple. I was blown away with the effort and imagination that The Quay Brothers-and to sidebar that this is my first exposure to them-invested into this work. This was a visual masterpiece, and for some reason will for sure be ignored when it comes to handing out awards for visual effects. Every single shot and image had so much careful consideration into it, that I forgave it for the lack of any consideration in the script. Sadly this is another example of "style over substance"-see "MirrorMask," "Renaissance," and "The Black Dahlia" for other examples of this, but this was truly unique to the point where it's worth seeing no matter how bad the story was.

And here is the story, in a brief nutshell. On the eve of her wedding, beautiful and in love singer Malvina is killed and then kidnapped by the mysterious Dr. Droz. A few months later, we meet Felisberto, a piano tuner who is unaware of what awaits him. Felisberto has been hired by the doctor to come live in his secluded villa, to tune the doctors musical automatons. Felisberto is content with his work until Malvina begins to show herself to him. Little by little he pieces together what has been going on, and learns of Dr. Droz's intentions to stage a diabolical opera, and what that will mean for Malvina. He decides that he must neglect his work and rescue this woman, even if that means being pulled into the realm of Dr. Droz' strange and wicked universe.

"The Piano Tuner of Earthquakes" should have left it's narrative behind while telling this story, because the dialogue and characters take away from it. I wanted this story to be told to me through images and not through words. The Quay Brothers blew me away with the world they've created, but not the story itself. And then do not fail to include anything, and thankfully include stop motion animation into the mix. They transport you into a world where nightmares are made, and this is the deliciously dark fairy tale that I long for and rarely get. Sadly this should be a big screen experience, but the less than one thousand dollar box office gross in New York City does not sound promising. This needs to be seen large to bask in the visuals. And it ends on such a bang that I was left speechless and stayed to watch a large portion of the credits before I could walk away. When imagination is the only form of critique, "The Piano Tuner of Earthquakes" rates a perfect four starts. However, The Quay's try to hang onto conventional storytelling, which really does lower this down significantly. It falls that much short of the masterpiece it could have been, but this demands to be seen anyway. This is an unmissable experience that nobody will have. I only wish I had brought people with me.

Fast Food Nation

Fast Food Nation *1/2

Fast food is probably America's biggest guilty pleasure. Is it possible to resist the smell of cheap hamburgers, beckoning to you on every single street corner and highway stop in the known universe? I sometimes doubt it. I don't indulge in it often, but when I do I feel like I've just committed some kind of sin. It is possible to have a delicious meal for a very low price, as long as you ignore the health risks that is. . . "Fast Food Nation" pretty much shoves the health risks right down your throat, and then continues to give you a second helping when you're already full. And then a third helping for extra measure.

This appeared to sound like something great. Alright, we have a satire about fast food-an easy target but still one that is a lot of fun. Especially after 2004's "Super Size Me." Everybody loved that one. . . And then we have a great cast. Faces like Greg Kinnear, Kris Kristofferson, Patricia Arquette, Bobby Carnivale, Paul Dano-it's a whose who of celebrities-known and unknown. And the entire interconnected story lines-all of these people affected by the dangers of fast food. And then you have what makes "Fast Food Nation" the grade E slab of film that it is. . . Richard Linklater. Linklater is alright when he's not doing what he loves to do-film people talking about theories of life and politics. I found it neatly impossible to sit through earlier films like "Slacker" and "Waking Life" because of this. Thankfully he drifted from it in his more entertaining "School of Rock" and this year's "A Scanner Darkly," but the last hour is loaded with some of the dullest dialogues and never ending conversations of nothing but repetition of the same point over and over again. I almost forgot I was watching the same movie.

That being said, "Fast Food Nation" is divided into two parts. The first hour is rather enjoyable, and is great setup for the nothingness of the second hour. It focuses on Don Anderson, played by Greg Kinnear who doesn't have to do much here, but is still as likable as ever. Don is a marketing executive for Mickey's, a fast food chain whose newest addition to the menu is creating quite a stir. Don is forced to go out of town after learning something very interesting about the beef patties used in their biggest products-"There's sh*t in the meat!" Don takes a trip to the meat packing plant, where he learns that the conditions are not satisfactory at all. He is given a tour of the place, and doesn't see any problems-stainless steel, sanitary conditions, happy people. Little does he know of the "cut floor" where the floors have blood that goes up to your ankle, and it's not rare for people to loose a limb or two in the dirty and unsafe machines. In addition, he learns that there is feces in the meat, brought about by a conveyor belt that goes way too fast. One false cut, and then feces could spread all over the patties. And it's an easy fix too-the machines just have to slow down. Unfortunately, it'll make the company less money if they slow down the belt, and that is something that they do not want to risk. But then Don is forced to ignore the unsafe conditions at the plant in order to keep his family and job secure, and he leaves intending on giving a great report to his boss and to anyone that asks about the company. Little does he know the effects that this will have:

Thus leading into the second half.

We are then drawn into a story regarding the meat packing plant, and the immigrants that cross the border to work there, namely Sylvia and Raul. The couple has just crossed the border, and Raul has been given a job in the cut floor. Sylvia also has to live with her good sister turning bad after resorting to drugs and having an affair with the evil supervisor at the plant. And then there is a third storyline which is the most painful to endure, the story of Amber, a high school student who has a job at Mickey's, but quits to not have to end up like her mother, who also works at a fast food restaurant.

The second half turns foul with Linklater's obsession with lengthy monologues. He drills the point that fast food is bad into your head to the point where you want to go out and find a Taco Bell right away. Kinnear's set up made me intrigued to see how his decision will affect everybody else, but what I got what Ethen Hawke talking for ten minutes about his niece working in fast food, and a series of college know it all types that intend on freeing the cows from their trapped lives in the farm. It became almost painful to watch, and I could imagine Linklater penning the script, adding more and more to the speeches, grinning more and more as he did it. The story with Amber and her experiences at Mickey's were pointless, and added insult to injury. The story with the Mexican immigrants was interesting, but couldn't get me invested in the characters at all. I didn't care about them, and them being forced to work in the dangerous factory. Perhaps if they discarded the third segment, and developed and focused the second half on this section more, this could have somewhat been saved-after all my biggest problem was with Amber's section, and her adventures into the minds of college know it alls. I also began to miss Kinnear, who disappears after an hour and isn't seen again until during the end credits. I missed the intriguing set ups, and the actual decent film making. Maybe if you leave when Kinnear leaves-before the dreaded "Three Months Later" title-and this'll be a semi-decent experience. Spare yourselves the torment and the pretentious writing of Richard Linklater and walk out.

Oh, and who can forget the final few minutes. The third helping of the message that Linklater is giving us. We spend the entire film hearing about this "cut floor," where the cows are slaughtered, that we actual see it. An injury, a man loosing his leg, and then the slaughtering of a cow, bit by bit, organ by organ. And while it was graphic and disturbing, it was also simply unnecessary. At this point, I think the viewer understands what is being said. This snuff scene wasn't needed to seal the deal. "Fast Food Nation" could be described as a more serious version of "Thank You for Smoking" meeting "Syriana." I recommend you rent both of those better films, and have a double feature. The four hours is much better than the two hour lost cause that was "Fast Food Nation."

Flannel Pajamas

Flannel Pajamas **1/2

I am a sucker for films about relationships. No matter how sappy or corny or unrealistic, for some reason I always am drawn to the prospect of a movie couple being able to live their lives together, forever, blah blah blah. And this is exactly why I should have loved and raved about "Flannel Pajamas," a dreadfully dull and painful to watch film by Jeff Lipsky, whose work I am not familiar with at all, and whose future work I may be a little bit reluctant to see.

"Flannel Pajamas" begins with the meeting of Nicole and Stuart, who are set up on a blind date with their two friends at a diner. The two friends leave, but Nicole and Stuart stay until the wee small hours of the morning, and while fetching a cab, Stuart even puts his jacket onto a puddle. We then go through their entire relationship together-piece by piece. The first time they have sex, the first time they meet each others parents, their first conversation about marriage and children, her getting fired, looking for new job, getting an apartment together, getting a Christmas tree, getting married, fighting about kids. Every single solitary second of their relationship seems to be documented, done in a way that it's like we are actual there. It is not too far into their marriage that Nicole brings up the dreaded word-children. Stuart doesn't want to have any kids yet, and asks Nicole to wait two years before they should start trying. As he puts it, he wants a little bit of time to be married to her, and not burdened with the responsibilities of being a father. But in this two years, they begin to fight, and spiral down to nothingness until finally they both snap.

It's no real surprise to learn that Nicole and Stuart are not meant to be, and I expected to walk out of something like this upset, emotional bonded to the characters, and wishing that everything turned out differently. But about a half hour into this overlong film(which clocks in at a little over two hours!) I realized that I simply did not give a damn about their relationship or these characters. Justin Kirk who played Stuart is lifeless, dull, and a little creepy. Julianne Nicolson as Nicole is very delightful, giving off a vibe of cuteness and vulnerability that her character needs to portray. She pretty much lit up every single scene that she was in. She does well with the thin material that is given to her. After an hour of the film I realized that not much has happened at all. In the first hour we see them go out on a date, her getting fired, and them moving in with each other, and also them having sex over and over again. You would think a movie with the first hour of sex would be enjoyable to watch, but after the second or third scene of five minute "pillow talk" you've had enough to last your entire life of movie watching. For a film this long, and I heard that it was originally cut at almost three hours, there isn't enough character development. I barely knew anything more about these characters at the end of this long journey than I did before it even started. This could have been a much more denser film-a relationship that we feel that we are a part of, where we care about the couple and cheer them on even though we know downfall is around the corner. Ms. Nicolson failed to revive this dead tale of romance, and a rewrite and a recut is the only thing that could have done the trick. There is a good movie hidden in this concept, and with her in it, but Jeff Lipsky seemed to have went over board with the self indulgence, and made a movie for himself and not for his characters. And it's a shame, because we need a more realistic relationship film for a change-one that I won't be embarrassed for enjoying. . .

F*ck

F*ck ***

Considering this is a family site, I'm a little confused about how I should approach my review for "F*ck," considering the subject matter. "F*ck" is about, for lack of a better word, the classic F-word. The word that everybody loves but the one that everyone is frightened of. And now there's a ninety minute documentary about it, and one that uses the word roughly 880 times, as the end credits tell us. These are just the off color and strange documentaries that I enjoy to watch-ones about subjects that we wouldn't normally expect a documentary one, and one that is alot of fun to watch. "F*ck" is both of those things.

Through interviews and clips, we learn that various ways that the word has been used throughout history. It turns out that nobody really knows the origins of the word, but it has been used for hundreds and hundreds of years. It also studies the various myths that are behind the word-including the fact that some people think that its an acronym standing for Fornication Under Consent of the King. Not true-not even close. We see movie clips that use the word-seeing how it was used for emphasis on anger in "Punch Drunk Love," and how it is used for comedy in "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles." We think about the various usage of the word-including in a sexual manner with interviews with Ron Jeremy who owes alot to the word because it's exactly what he did to make a living. We hear interviews from celebrities who are advocates of the word, as well as linguists who discuss the fascination with the word. For some reason, people hate to use it, but shyly admit that they use it often.

"F*ck" isn't the most in-depth documentary ever made, and it's about twenty minutes too long to focus on one word, but it's alot of fun, and the interviews with the various comedians and entertainers were priceless. This includes Drew Carey's request to the director at the end to make a movie about the infamous c-word. Now that'll be a little more difficult to market than this, I'm sure. Bill Plympton-who I raved about for his work on "Hair High" provides some quirky and light animation here for the inter titles, which adds to the amusement. Those who are sensitive to language should probably see what's playing in Theatre Number 2, because by the end of this, you'll have heard the f-word enough times to get expelled from elementary school. "F*ck" is an amusing documentary to spend ninety minutes watching. It's not groundbreaking or even remotely inspiring, but it ends up being a good time.

Saw III

Saw III **1/2

I am somewhat disappointed with the direction that the "Saw" movies are taking. The first one was clever, crafty, and really did have you at the edge of your seat, simply with tension. Sure it was extremely violent and bloody, but it didn't rely on that for spooks. Now we're up to the third one in the series, and while it is still somewhat clever and crafty, now it seems to rely on blood and gore to keep you at the edge of your seat, and keeping you arms in front of you in case there's something that's a little too much. In this "Saw" film I was subjected to seeing a man get his limbs twisted off, a woman get covered in ice, pigs fall into a shredder and the juice falls onto some man, and there is graphic brain surgery-brain and bone and scalp getting cut off an all. And if that isn't enough, there isn't really any kind of clever twist. This was just an excuse to show as many nasty and disturbing images as possible, something that I don't really expect from "Saw." Number two bordered on this type of storytelling, but it's so apparent that they are running out of ideas during this one, that I was a little upset by the fact that "Saw IV" is due out next October.

In this one, we find out that Jigsaw is dying, and it's difficult for him to go through his old tricks. We also learn that his apprentice Amanda is doing his dirty work for him, but she puts people into traps and situations that are impossible for them to get a way out. She doesn't give them a choice-only death. In order to keep her mentor alive, Amanda kidnaps Lynn, a doctor that Jigsaw chose himself, to preform surgery on him and find a way to keep him alive for a little while. Jigsaw attach's a device to Lynn, so that if his heart rate goes under a certain level, she will explode and die with him. And she has to keep him alive in order to see one man go through a series of tests. If he is still alive after all the tests are complete, than she will be able to go free. So, Jigsaw watches as Jeff, a man who lost his son in a horrible accident, goes through a series of tests where he confronts some of the people that are responsible for the accident-the woman that didn't do anything when she saw the son in danger, the judge who gave the man who did it a small sentence, and lastly the man who was fully responsible for the death. And then in the end we learn that the two stories are more connected than you would imagine. . .

By the end, I think I've had enough "Saw," and sadly this episode of the series was a somewhat disappointment. I wasn't shocked, and I wasn't looking forward to seeing how this is resolved. In fact, I can't even imagine how it is possible for them to do a fourth one, and I don't want to tell you why. Tobin Bell is a worthy actor to play Jigsaw, and he even is the creepiest looking man alive. Sadly, it's hard for him to do much with him laying on a hospital bed the entire film. But the constant gore didn't make this anything special, and I thought it suffered from it. The brain surgery scene especially seemed useless and out of place. It was not an enjoyable five minutes, and I can't even imagine how anyone could get any enjoyment out of it. "Saw III" was more of a snuff film than a horror one. I made a comment in my review on "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning" about how the horror genre is dead, and is instead being replaced with torture. Well, I was happy that the original "Saw" included torture, but also had a clever plot and story. By "Saw III" there is nothing clever about it, and it's just gross and disturbing, and I left the theatre dirty and exhausted. This is a pointless and disappointing third film in the series that I really enjoyed. Those who are into blood and gore, you'll love it. If your looking to be surprised by twists and plot, then look elsewhere. . .

The Magic Gloves

The Magic Gloves ***

"The Magic Gloves" is an interesting piece, and a very enjoyable one at that. There are many small little vignettes that do add up to some kind of story, but that simply isn't important. It is a character piece, one that collects a series of characters and sticks them into scenes. It is about how they all relate to one another, and how coincidence and fates links them all together, for better or for worse. It is a comedy, but not the laugh out loud type. It's the type of dry humor where every now and then you snicker or chuckle-renascent of a Jim Jarmusch tale.

The central character of "The Magic Gloves" is Alejandro, a young man in his thirties who drives a cab around the city. On night he ends up picking up someone who he met years ago, a rock and roller who goes by the name Piranha. Piranha insists that Alejandro come to dinner, and while he is there he subjects his guest to sit in the chair between the two giant speakers to listen to some loud music. A trip to the ear-nose-throat doctor follows the next day. Alejandro's favorite thing to do is dance and drive his car, which annoys his long time girlfriend. She has had it with dancing, and his overall attitude about life and dumps him a few minutes before a dinner party. Over time, the two of them become good friends even as they both drift into relationships. Alejandro meets a flight attendant who "really loves that they are both in transportation." And then one thing leads to another-Alejandro sells his car, and then buys it back, and then sells it again to get into a "one size fits all" glove deal with Piranha, who is convinced that if they sell these in the winter months, they will never go hungry again.

Like I said, there isn't really as plot. This is the story of a cab driver who is used to the same old thing, and then gets pulled into a world where actual interesting things happen-all because he picked up someone in his car. In the end, Alejandro will do anything for his cab. He even lets his relationship suffer. He is bored, but just doesn't want to accept this. These are short little tales that all play a part in the transportation of Alejandro's life(and I use transportation for a reason.) And then as insightful of a social satire as it is, "The Magic Gloves" is also alot of fun, and something that not many people will end up seeing. It's dry dark humor is perfect for those who love subtlety. Some scenes are so painfully awkward that you are cringing and laughing at the same time, and some of these characters-including a porn star and his crew who are all visiting for the weekend-are laugh out loud hilarious. It figures that "The Magic Gloves" is from Argentina, because it's rare to see an American film with such clever humor that doesn't rely on outrageous situations to be funny. Instead, it relies on the outrageous behavior of people, and how every single day we experience something strange-which is what life is-one strange event after another.

Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus

Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus **1/2

If there is anything to really say about "Fur" it's that it has the guts to do something unique. This is based on a real life woman, but the events in this film are all a creation of director Steven Shainberg, who opens his film with a small disclaimer: The events in this film are based on the real life woman Diane Arbus. While these are not the actual events that happened to Arbus, they are possibly what was going on in his head at this point in her life. Sadly for the viewer, it is obvious that what happens in this film was not happening in her life, and you'll understand why once you read the plot line.

Yes, Diane Arbus was a real person. We've established that. And to begin, it's actually pronounced Di-Anne, with the "A'' being a part of the second syllable. Diane is the assistant to a photographer who happens to be her husband and father of her children. She enjoys her work for the most part, but begins to question it when a reporter asks what kinds of pictures she takes. And then she looks out the window and discovers that there is going to be a new neighbor moving into the house upstairs, and when Diane notices him parking his car in the front, she is drawn right away to him. And why? Could it be the giant mask that he wears on his head? It could be. She ends up going upstairs at one point after she discovers a giant wad of thick dark hair in her pipes. She is surprised to learn that this man knows her name, and even tells her to come back the next day. She does, and the two start a strange friendship. His name is Lionel, and he is a nice man-a wig creator by trade, and he also happens to be covered in thick dark hair from head to toe. Diane begins to want to take pictures of her own, and decides to do a portrait study on her neighbors. Her husband begins to become upset by her associations with Lionel's friends, who are all, for lack of a better word, freaks. And both of them wonder if her new hobby is going to cost the entire family.

In the end, "Fur" is a failure. It is an experiment that just doesn't work out, and I can't really explain why. Perhaps it is the fact that I know this never happened to Ms. Arbus? Or perhaps its because I found it a bit of an insult to her memory. . . .I mean why did it have to be Diane Arbus. Why not just the fictional story of a woman drawn to a man covered in fur? The fact that the film is an entire lie seems a little cruel to Diane Arbus, and it left a sour taste in my throat. I just know that Diane Arbus did not suddenly decide to want to become a photographer after falling in love with Chewbacca's stunt double. It's also far too overlong, and the scenes between Diane and Lional tend to go on forever, especially towards the end.

But don't get me wrong! There is alot of good here, and as I said before, the film is something to admire. Nicole Kidman as Diane is wonderful-beautiful enough to understand why Lionel is drawn to her, and at the same time plain enough to sometimes go around unnoticed. And then Robert Downy Jr is fine too, in a role that mostly has his voice being used, as we can't even see his face. Carter Burwell's score fits the mood perfectly. Burwell always has interesting music, and this strange mood is exactly his style. And then there is the set design, where it's obvious that each shot was given great care and attention. The opening scenes, the ones where we are introduced to the lifestyle that Arbus leads, are stunning visuals in there repetition. We understand the humdrum life that Diane leads just by looking at the wallpaper. And lastly, I enjoyed "Fur" because it stood out on a limb and tried to do something of its own. It may have been a failure, but at least it failed at trying something new instead of sticking to the same formula. And that's exactly what movies need nowadays. We need something daring, something different, and something unusual. They could fail, but at least they try, and that's all we can ask of it. . .