Captivity

Captivity Zero Stars

Directed by Roland Joffé
Written by Larry Cohen and Joseph Tura

Starring:
Elisha Cuthbert as Jennifer
Daniel Gillies as Gary Dexter
Pruitt Taylor Vince as Ben Dexter

85 Minutes(Rated R for strong violence, torture, pervasive terror, grisly images, language and some sexual material. )
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Yes, that's right my friends. I have given "Captivity" the famed Zero Star rating. This does not happen often, and if you take a glance at the Complete Film Ratings Index you will not find many. I have given zero stars to a mere fourteen films, the last being "Epic Movie" and that has been a great seven month run. Sadly for me, the last film I gave zero stars to was free, but I paid eleven dollars to sit through "Captivity," and the only thing keeping me from running out after the first half hour to quickly get my refund was the fact that I would be able to write a scathing review for it. And I get a certain pleasure from writing horrible reviews, because I do not often get the chance to write about a film that I got no enjoyment of whatsoever. And the other two people in the theatre on a Saturday night didn't seem to find any enjoyment out of it either.

"Captivity" is yet another installment into the world of "torture porn," and unlike popular films like "Hostel" and "Saw," "Captivity" is likely to be seen by nobody because it is an easy ripoff and an easy waste. It brings nothing to the "genre" that should be dead by now. It is distributed by After Dark, who does their "After Dark HorrorFest," and after their terrible wide release "The Abandoned" earlier this year, and now this, it's hard to ever put any faith in them again. They have "Skinwalkers" coming out at the end of the month, and unless it gets four stars reviews all over the board, you won't see a review for that on this site. Although they seem to have some drama films coming out under their band, like "Wristcutters," but the truth to that is unknown to me. I should have guessed that "Captivity" would be a waste. It was supposed to come out on May 18th, but was moved because it was against "Shrek." And then it was moved from June 22nd, and the vastly superior horror film "1408" came out that weekend. And it was brought to Friday July 13th, against "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix." I guess they hoped that Friday the 13th would be enough marketing, and that is exactly what was plastered on the posters. And they were wrong. Once again, marketing by dates-like "The Omen" and "The Number 23" is not enough when you actually have a bad movie.

Starring Elisha Cuthbert, who really does not seem to have a long future outside of "24," (and ironically, "The Girl Next Door" which I also gave zero stars to). She plays Jennifer, a popular model who feels that nobody loves her except her loyal dog (awww). Where her family or friends are, I don't know, and this emotional side to her is about the only bit that I can see for any type of character development. And then at a party she is slipped a mickey and finds herself inside the basement of a creepy masked killer. She is captured, and tortured, and forced to endure all kinds of pain and horror, all to our enjoyment. She is even put inside of a case that starts to fill with sand (ooooo). And then she finds someone else who has been captured-Gary-and of course finds the need to have sex with him. But I wouldn't trust him, and nobody with even less than half of brain would be able to.

I love writing these plot summaries for films I hate, and speaking of them in such condescending tones. But I am just replying to "Captivity" in the same way that it treats it audience-like idiots. How these screenwriters could have felt they were offering anything new, or even anything entertaining, is beyond me? There is no enjoyment in any second of this awful awful film. The acting resorts to a lot of screams, and the dialogue is a lot of "You can't do this to me! You can't do this!" and the gore is completely gratuitous and just irritating to watch. It tries its hands at a few plot twists towards the end, but they were all so obvious, and during the moment of retribution, in my head I even said exactly what the line would be. So I guess the best thing that could be said about me seeing "Captivity" is that I get to warn others to not make the same mistake I did. This is the worst movie of the year at this point and I can't see anything else beating it. It's one of the worst movies ever made. It is an pointless exercise in a genre that should have been killed ages and ages ago, and maybe evidence that "torture" has officially come to a close. We'll see what happens with the new "Saw" movie, which might just be beating an injured horse. My captivity in the theatre was worse than the film.